The “closet” has a lot of negative connotations. It is where secrets are hidden. It is where undisclosed tea[1] is kept. It is where we hide aspects of our lives that we feel are too shameful to disclose. It is where we secrete our fears. The closet houses those things about ourselves that we want to conceal from the world. We all have a closet. I have been hiding in my closet for over a decade.
My closet holds my anxieties about the ravages of vitiligo. I remember that spring day in 2004 when I noticed that first tiny spot of discoloration on my right hand between the middle and ring fingers. I remember the fear because vitiligo was an auto-immune disease with NO CURE! I dreaded the inevitable progression of the disease; it has progressed. I anxiously awaited the stares; I got them.
There were bright spots from those who, instead of staring, actually asked me questions. Usually these came from children who innocently asked what was wrong with my hands. I would simply say that the brown was going away; they would accept that and move on. One child lovingly stroked my hand. There were also adults who would tell me that my skin change was fascinating or beautiful.
In spite of that, I lived in the closet. As the disease stole the brown pigment from my face, I tried covering it with brown foundation. For YEARS, I have looked for the right shade of brown…which does not exist. I have blended creams with powders and powders with liquids to create the perfect shade of brown for me. Nothing was exact, and I hid in my closet, allowing less than a handful of people to see me au naturel.
However, for my recent trip to Costa Rica, I flung open the closet. How could I go to a hot, humid climate where I knew I would sweat and worry about not wiping off my foundation? Or carry makeup in my hiking backpack to touch up as we trekked? It was time to take off the mask. After much contemplation and prayer and tears, I did. I arrived at the airport in Atlanta without makeup. I spent six glorious days in Costa Rica without makeup. I even met a shopkeeper who has vitiligo. But as my return to the U.S. loomed near, I began to worry. I realized that it was not the reaction of strangers that I feared, but of those who knew the “brown” me. What look of horror would I see on their faces when I appeared sans foundation?
Throughout this closet-opening journey, I kept (keep) two scriptures close to heart:
- Genesis 1:27 (NIV): “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”
- Psalm 139:13-14 (CEV): “You are the one who put me together inside my mother’s body, and I praise you because of the wonderful way you created me. Everything you do is marvelous! Of this I have no doubt.”
Each day I must remind myself that I am God’s creation with or without pigment. I am wonderfully made. I am who I am…still. I am the “thorny, but sweet[2]” person who will love you but still give you the raised eyebrow. This is me. “Of this I have no doubt.”
I am thankful for my daughter who has seen me through it all and who prayed for my peace of mind as I left for my trip. For my brother who has supported me. For my friends who have bolstered me through the tears. I thank God for surrounding me with the right people.
Reflection: As you consider how to handle what is in your closet, find strength in Genesis 1:27 and Psalm 139:13-14. And listen to “Wonderfully Made” by Ellie Holcomb.
<3
Hello Sabrina, OMG, a well-written blog that’s going to help lots of people. After reading it, it brought tears to my eyes. Of course tears of joy, because you persevered. I 💘 your scriptures that you leaned on to get you thru it, and Nothing but God was the right person to lean on, along with your family. I haven’t seen you since high school, but you look Marvelous. Keep up the inspirational writings because your closet just opened up doors for so many. Love it.
Thank you Janet. And thanks to whoever shared this with you.
Sabrina, Sabrina, my fearfully and wonderfully made First Niece, “The Closet” is beautifully written. Your relating of how God’s Word is medicine for the mind and body gives all who read it courage and support in their handling of anything that might be in their closets. Thank you, Sabrinacakes. May God continue His love and blessings upon you!
Love and gratitude.
I love you Aunt Beverly.
Sabrina, Sabrina, my fearfully and wonderfully made First Niece, “The Closet” is beautifully written. It’s contents will be so supportive and encouraging to those who read it and have difficulty handling anything that might be in their “closets”. It is so comforting to see an example of how God’s Word can heal the mind and the body. Thank you, and may God continue His love and blessings upon you, Sabrina-cakes.
My love and gratitude.
You are an inspiration to all, young and older, who are going through similar struggles. I hope this reaches far and wide because it is a message that can open the closet door for others. “Wonderfully Made” is a beautiful song that coupled with your words bring tears to my eyes. I’m so happy the weight is off your shoulders. To God be the glory. 🙌🏾 “Royalty” by Tasha Cobb Leonard is another beautiful song. “…Like a brush in the hands of an artist, I am your masterpiece…” You are beautiful!
Thanks Toni. I will listen to Royalty!
What a beautiful story, Sabrina. While I know there were a lot of nerves returning home from.Costa Rica and leaving the makeup behind, it has to be such a relief embracing the strength and commitment to letting it go. Happy for you coming out of that closet. Shine on my sister! 😘💗💚
Thank you Garlette.
…And a church family that absolutely love you! Thank you for your vulnerability and ability to bless others as you share God’s love along your journey. Honored to be a part of your tribe. There is much in here for us to learn. I wonder how many other Christians are going through the same struggle? This is food for thought.
Hi Sabrina!
I loved your post! I am so happy to hear that you are allowing yourself to be seen. Oh what a beautiful sight! I struggled with loosing all on my hair about 5 years back and I had to change my conversation with God and I started asking him why not me instead of why me. My hair comes back but falls out every winter . I have accepted it but the experience has freed me to live my best life. I hope the same comes to you. Thanks for sharing your wonderful story. Keep on praising God. He isn’t finish!
Thanks Denise. I will work on adopting that change of attitude.
😘❤